My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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