omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
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