im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
