I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
