did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
