I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
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