Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
