My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
