We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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