just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Operation Purity has been aborted
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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