Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
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