LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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