i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
