I hate all girls vehemently.
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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