I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
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