plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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