I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
