Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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