70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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