Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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