Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.