dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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