Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
