I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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