He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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