Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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