My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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