I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
