Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
