can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
