Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
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