On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
