omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
