You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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