So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
