oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
