my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Randomize
