I am spending my child support on dildos
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
