I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
