theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
