I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
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Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
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I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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