It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
