It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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