Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Floor bacon is actually really good
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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