In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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