He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
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She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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