I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
