my mouth tastes like poor choices
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
