So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I will pee on everything he values.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
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