this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Randomize
