you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
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