remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
