This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
