I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Randomize
