Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
