I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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