Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
50% drunk capacity currently
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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