i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
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I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
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Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize