Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
Welp...herpes.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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