i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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