if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
are you so shy because you have an std?
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
