Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
