I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
