Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
