Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
