haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
